Stuck

"Youre in such a hurry to grow up"

That is what he said to me today.  Lets go back in time though.

When I was in high school, I wanted to just get out.  In fact, I wanted to move to the bumfuck middle of nowhere or at least a place surrounded by nature.  I wanted to see trees, creeks, or plains when I looked out my window, not houses.  I wanted a koi pond and an altar outside.  I wanted children and a husband and to be free.  I wanted...security.

Now lets go forward.  I want to get out and move to the bumfuck middle of nowhere...well somewhere in the forest.  I want to see trees when I look out my window, not houses.  I want a koi pond that surrounds my altar outside.  I want children and to be with this guy I love so much forever and to be...free.

Wait...same thing is it not?

So maybe it isnt so much that Im in a hurry to grow up, just in a hurry to finish a dream I have carried with me for over four years and havent even started on.  I know that Im jealous of all of my friends with children...they made it work.  Hell the best friend I have in the previous post is a babysitter...and that is it.  I have a job and likely make double (if not triple) of what she does.  But theyre making it work!

again...happy for her...just jealous. 

It really didnt help since it was something I wanted but got back on the pill to make him feel better.  That is ok though because now I am doing stuff for me.  I need to start living this dream I had when I was a teenager.  Clearly it was more than some little phase.  No, I want need this serenity.  I havent had a place of my own to just chill in years.  It is clearly not that I want to grow up too fast but rather Im just stuck being a jealous teenager even at the age of 21.  I hate him sometimes...I really do.