I must say...the best thing about web logs is that you get to read about what is on a strangers mind. Often times, this includes full details and such which makes it more interesting. This can encourage people to be brave or to let go...like it is doing me now.
Im unhappy world. Im unhappy that I live within city limits (something I cant fix for a while) in a teeny place (something I can fix in the near future) in complete chaos and no game plan (something I can bitch about now.) I have always lived in the suburbs but have taken about 100 steps backwards when I moved from an unincorporated county to these city limits...where the same problems are but many rules arent followed (example...in county you will get a fine for "watering the sidewalk" but in the city which is also part of the same county facing the same water problems, you can help that sidewalk grow big and strong by watering it at noon in the middle of summer with no discouragement.)
I do like the fact I can hear lots of birds chirping at least but not without the gentle sounds of automobiles in the background...
But this is home for now...unfortunately. I have decided finally to say "hi there fuck you Im doing what I want."
This isnt like me...I usually sort of listen to what people say and take their thoughts into consideration. Im tired of being told no.
no you cant do gymnastics (youre too fat)
no you cant have a dog (because I said so...dont care if they kill it)
no dont get that soap (because I dont like how it doesnt smell like ____ when it comes out of the wash)
no I wont spend $$ for horse riding lessons (your sister needs $$$$ for modeling that she probably wont stick with)
no you cant do girl scouts with your friends (because my friend is a troop leader *places me in with a bunch of strangers*)
no you cant do martial arts (Youre a girl and must do scouts)
no dont get that milk
no this
no that
no
no
NO
But of course it is a total mystery to everyone why I have a problem now with being told no I cant do blah blah blah. Yeah I fight it and fight it hard.
I will be starting my life turn around probably next month when I start a nursery for some of the plants I have wanted forever. A bunch of it is food (I have absolutely no experience growing veggies but have a green thumb otherwise) but a few of them are just things I like (including but not limited to a Douglas fir, California oak, and a Korean maple.) I have considered just packing up and leaving in the night because Im truly tired of that wonderful word no (as well as sorry...dont say sorry unless youre going to fix or compensate fully for whatever you did. Then dont do it again.) I will probably lie to a few people to get an apartment but hey, I promise no harm done. I want to keep my dogs.
Then, Im finishing up school or moving to the country...whichever I have time to do first. Then come the chickens, the pond, the horses, and maybe a pig or a cow but yes some goats.
Im tired of waiting for life to happen. It is clear to me that someone is always gonna say no and just be in the way. Well if someone loves me...truly...they wont say no without reason anymore...they will just come for the ride.
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